God hasn’t been that subtle in a few areas of my life lately. He’s a pretty systematic and methodical guy… most of the time. And He knows me. So…. there have been some hard lessons on all fronts. Work. Money. Community. Men.
Inevitably, you realize, this post is going to be about men.
Three years ago when God said Soon you will meet the one you admire… (you can read the story here) I whined…. SOON?! When is soon?! That could be decades, Jesus. And I begged him to move the timeline along.
Then a year ago, when he said This is the season of soon, I was excited! That story is here. I asked him to let me watch and see what He was up to. I wanted to know everything!
And this month it appears that God is turning the soon into now. And in complete contrast to how I thought I would act, I am throwing on the brakes. NOOOOOOOOOO. Not yet. Not even close to ready for this Jesus. NO. No, no, no, no – do NOT want.
Now I’m not one of those crazies that thinks every man I go out with has to have husband potential, that’s for insane people. That’s why dating exists… to determine someone’s personality and character. But as I am waking up to the reality that eventually – yes – this thing called Love is going to happen to me, I am panicking. It’s not some idea. It’s not a fantasy in my head where I can control my imaginary perfect man. There will one day be a person. And this person will love me. And we will probably fight and love and such.
And it’s scary. Because when things go from a dream to a reality – the thing changes. Just like any goal or hope you have. But I also know that there’s more power in the real thing than could ever be in just a mental version. It will look different. He might be shorter, or skinnier, or more emotional than I imagined. He may have a beard. I don’t know.
And the not knowing…. Is what is driving me nuts. It’s also making me a gigantic scaredy cat.
So just so you know God. No. I will not put up with this secretive shenanigan. I simply demand you tell me who this person is, so we can get on with it.